Love letter # 246

So this is the letter I swore I would never write – the one where I ask you outright – because ambiguity is no longer tenable.

I understand what it’s like to be unsure – and I see that in you. I’m also old enough to know that the ones who push are almost invariably the ones who lose out. These words, I realise, are me putting nails in the casket of my already absurd wishing.

But still …

I cannot live on guessing, on half signs, on maybes. What kind of fool agrees to subsist on optimism and changeable winds? I would rather sink than sail without compass. Let me drown instead, rather than swim for no good purpose.

You think I’m being dramatic, don’t you? Well yeah – I guess I am. Maybe I just can’t hold my breath any longer.

You can’t pretend not to know how I feel – what I would rather. You see my foolish, yearning behaviour – you forgive me for it regularly. Please do not condemn for wanting, for asking so directly. Just say no. Delete me. Make it impossible. Then I won’t dream.

I know I’m being selfish here – childish even – but I just can’t bear it any more. I’m afraid it might turn to bitterness if I linger. This way it will just be sorrow and – when that passes – beautiful remnants.

So yes – finally it comes to this – miracle or liberty. Pick one. Don’t be afraid. Either way, I will love you undiminished; and all that will end is the game.

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