Love letter # 315

You were the storm that broke without warning – smashing down from a sky that had seemed clear just moments before. You were the gale that tore through the musty old house and ruffled all the dried up feathers. You were the dream girl who invaded my quarantined sleep. And then, when all the usual things were turned upside down, you moved in.

I will never forget that time. Your swashbuckling approach. My body still holds the charge of those magical weeks – a memory that buzzes. My breath still recalls the rush. Indeed, I have lived off the flush and thrill ever since. A task made easier by your undiminishing care and your ever incredible beauty.

I still thank all the stars in the sky that I was in that room that night when you first walked into my life. Even more so because you still walk beside me.

Love letter # 244

It is the light that makes the night seem darker – the black that makes the bright seem wondrous. These two are dancers. They move as one. I know this because I love you. And because I have this crazy feeling, I can see clearly that you don’t.

I could be sad about this – and sometimes I am – or I could be silent – which until now I have been. But I have this insistent flower inside me and it opens up whenever you are near. And it fills every corner of my body and colours all of my various imaginings with a radiant warmth and an almost oceanic compassion. As though I could love the whole world. Like a star is bursting in my heart. Pouring forth its beautiful light.

How could I ever keep such a thing locked away? Why would I not give this flower its share of the spring? For even if it airs for just a second, in a few foolish words, it will have brought more love into the world. I feel that maybe something of it might ripple out, far beyond you and me, and be of some comfort – perhaps even some joy – for those whose names I do not know but whose love I am presently alive with. I want to say it – type it – because one day, long after the supernova, the light will arrive across immeasurable distance and bathe some cold and barren rock in glory. And your incredible beauty – and the love it has ignited in me – will not have burned for nothing.

Love letter # 206

It’s true – I genuinely thought about not coming.

Around me – the universe I knew. Friends, family, work – and the few remnants of respect I could still count on.

Inside me – a heart seeking to re-armour itself. To avoid unnecessary breaks. Even the wild hope of me winning you back made it tremor. Falter.

But mine is the oldest story in the book; the adventure of one soul desperately seeking to find harbour and recognition in another. This impulse – for which my bloody wires are designed – lit up my imagination. It wasn’t long before I concluded the inevitable: that I would risk everything for the taste of your skin. The heartache, the stares of disbelief, the self-reproach – these are but fees for the fire – and I – like any other fool – would stumble in awe towards the brightest, most beautiful light.

If only to love you for the blink of an eye.

Love letter # 365

From all the prophets of the world I never learned a thing. Neither have the sages brought me a scrap of joy. All their words and supposedly stupendous insights have done nought but leave me dry. Their wisdom is the grandest folly. The self-perpetuating denial of the apparently spiritual. The fear of death dressed up as eternity. Only in you have I known the wonder of the light. Only in the tender, uncomplicated honesty of your smile. And only by surrender am I truly set free.

For you are not the promise of forever. Nor the fiction of salvation. You are just the one who stands beside me. Yet for this small and simple fact I am profoundly grateful. And we are skin on skin together. Warmth on warmth. For no greater purpose than the sheer joy of it. Because we choose it – and because it makes our whole world more beautiful. If there is a greater truth than this I have yet to hear of it.

Love letter # 320

Although it is now our habit to see the less attractive parts of our relationship – and I, like you, have wondered why I am still here – there are times when I recall the beauty. When I reconnect with the buzz and the undeniable sense of recognition. When I thank every available deity that it’s you who walks beside me. The difference is, this time I am overcoming my rusted on tiredness and letting you know that tonight was one such time. Not just because I remembered it but because I felt it. And it was alive.

Love letter # 324

After all our noise and triumphalism – when our empires have fallen and our vainglory has come to nothing – it is the smallest things that sustain us. The simple warmth of human contact. Of hello. Of the smile we give one another. Or the smooth and lovely feel of your hand in mine.

So much that we cling to is delusion. Our sense of control. The idea of ourselves as the centre of everything. The hubris of believing we can conquer time. Perhaps even the notion of love itself.

But when I see you … what else is it that I need to believe? For even if I am just a gene machine – an animal with stripes on itself – the simple, uncomplicated fact of your caring for me – and of my adoring you – will see me through the night and bring into me the light of day.

Love letter # 298

There was a time when tiny little treasures made the big world bearable. A time when dark hours filled with light. It was the time that I spent with you.

Our lovers’ pact may well have been made in error – but what beautiful, wishful fools we were. Perhaps we even sinned against the very idea of together – but oh what glorious damnation we embraced. And what broken down angels we became.

For there were nights – so dark – when I slept in particular splendour. They were the nights when you stayed. The days when I woke next to you.

When you said that you loved me – when you smiled at me that way – no possible harm could come. This was when all the loose ends were either tied or of no consequence. The time when we ruled the world. When we were we.