Love letter # 68
We are not here forever. We are like the rush that is over as soon as it starts. It may even be that we vanish without trace, our passing unnoticed, our glories unremembered. Yet what little I am given I will gladly share with you.
All these kingdoms we have wrenched from the dust – they will be dust once more. Even history will disappear. But if I could wake up next to you, if your kiss could be mine …
For if in the grand scheme of things my life is close to nothing then let me spend it all with you. Eternity may have its blind dominion but in the meantime I will have eyes for you.
Love letter # 431
Because the embers remind me of a fire. Because the rain was a river you swam in. Because the wind has brushed your hair. Because …
Love letter # 44
Away from all the fuss and noise, all the vanity and bluster there is a simple, inescapable truth. I wish I’d known it sooner.
I put ego ahead of love. I let ‘me, me, me’ posture and preen. I mouthed the selfish mantras of the age – until my greed was all that was left to greet me.
You spoke of a world suffused with kindness and warmth and incredible beauty. I spoke about ambition. You filled the rooms with spirit and joy and dancing. I filled my time with reasons.
I am not looking for your forgiveness. Nor do I seek to play down the staggering breadth of my arrogance and folly. I fought for this empty palace, after all. Its hard walls make awful echoes now; a steely sound without your song around.
I know that I cannot buy back the time I stole from you and I accept that even this apology is scarcely more than an ill applied band aid – but I want you to know that I was the mad one and you were absolutely right.
Keep that beautiful heart. Treasure it. It’s what marks you out from the rest of us. It’s why you shine.
Love letter # 30
It’s easy to feel alone in the world; it’s almost the default position. But once in a while someone gets it. Not just in their head but in their blood – as though you shared a solitary heart. The beats mixed perfect. It’s rare; but it happened all the time with you.
People who have known me for years never got so close. How is that? All their loyalty and friendship and you cut through it with a lazy twirl of your slender wrist, with a tiny little scratch. A single sideways glance was all it took. One whispered request.
We went outside. I could hear your breathing. I looked across at you and I knew.
Love letter # 105
Slowly, day by day, the conditions of my surrender became apparent. Whenever you were close by, all the doors flew open. Light coursed in – brilliant, shining river. And your eyes – they set wonderful fires. And your hips – they were a sleeper hit.
I guess that makes it pretty plain … and I’m sure you must know by now. So tell me – am I allowed to shout this out?
Love letter # 91
I love it even when you just talk to me. I love it that you pass by. I love the air in the room that’s had you in it. I love the thought that you might think of me. I love the dream that lets me see you.
Love letter # 4
Mostly it doesn’t matter but when it does … it does; and it’s then that I realise how much I miss you.
I pretend that everything is as it should be. I act the part of someone who has drawn a line. I have all the right language, all the appropriate behaviours – and everyone is fooled. Life goes on. Mark it down to experience. There are other fish.
But when the bandages come off the blood is still sweet, the bedroom still cold – and I wish that you were here with me.
Some days this tide lasts a minute, others an hour, but the knowing is always the same, the longing true. The fact that you live a short walk away, that your number is in my phone, that we have this undeniable brilliance whenever we are together …
I have given up asking why. Forensics won’t make it any better.
Anyway, I apologise for this fit of indulgence. I’m sure I could go on for ages; instead I will say only this: I offer you my love and all the honouring that goes with it. No bitterness. No recrimination. No cruel re-writing. And even though I miss you like oxygen I will never try to hold you in.
There is a breathtaking beauty at the heart of everything and you help me see it. Thank you.