To Eleanor. To all of you.

We met at a café and got talking. Then, as one long black turned into another, your story came out. Easier to tell a stranger. Our friendship lasted less than two hours but your words – your resignation – came home with me, where they have sat in my heart like a ring of thorns….

She reminds me of you

Some things are known before they are known. Like winter; and the logic of its freeze. I felt her retreat before I saw it. Inching back from intimacy and the fear of being seen. That’s why I’m writing to you. Because you understand. There is no need for detail; save that her wounds once bled…

Love letter # 516 It’s true, I look at couples and see us. And there is a fracture in my heart. Hairline, but there. Like you once were. Before I chose. Of course I wonder; did I chase one thing and end up with another. Is this the mirage of my longing? I wanted this…

Love letter # 472 Did I try to change you? I should not have. They were my bruises.

Love letter # 490 Did it happen while we weren’t looking…or when we were? Was it our turning away or our insistence? Not that it makes much difference now. Knowing won’t make you love me again. Nor I you. Yet, as I ponder the detritus, I am drawn ever closer to an abrasive conclusion; that…

Love letter # 355 Now, with all these years between, it finally becomes clear why I was drawn to you and why my actions were misguided. You had a fire in you; and so did I. But I tried to smother mine. Was it because I thought that’s what you wanted – an anchor of…

Love letter # 934 Nothing is permanent; not even the arc of your love. I realise that the gap between elation and despair is the downcast eye – a slip of the tongue, a new arrival, a chorus in a minor key. Perhaps just…hesitation. Dust, once stirred, will never settle back exactly. Even the stars…

Love letter # 592 At the time I was blind. Just acting. Reacting. Blundering hurt and foolish. Doing things I never should. Saying stuff I didn’t really mean. Or now wish that I hadn’t. Because I felt out of control I tried to impose a form of control on you. All the usuals: blackmail, pity…

Love letter # 498 Though I may have behaved badly, please do not doubt my love – or at least my honest belief that this is what this feeling is. I am flawed. I get angry and jealous and can be petty, insecure and controlling. All these things were in me before you came along…

Love letter # 886 Of course I lashed out at you. It’s what injured people do. Defend the ground they think is theirs. Blame the other. Neither of us were saintly, let’s be frank. Our dynamic was both destructive and self-affirming. Over time and poorly chosen words we both threw up barricades. The patterns became…