Love letter # 13
When I look back now I can see how I made it hard for you. I didn’t mean to; but still.
You were telling me all along but I was deaf to everything except what I wanted. You warned me and I acted like a child in reply.
I know you weren’t perfect. I know you cheated. I know you lied – often. I understand how you played me for a lovesick fool – which was exactly what I was. But even taking all that on board, I was the one who fucked it up.
I hoped against hope that you would change, that you would want me in a way you never said you would. It wasn’t just foolish, it was arrogant. No wonder you junked me.
For all my fine words I was trying to control you with my so-called love, to wear you down with sheer, bloody minded affection. Sometimes, the poets are the tyrants.
I can say now that I didn’t love you. I just desired you. Not merely in body, but in spirit. I thought that if I could get you to love me that the awful space inside me would close up. I was shopping for security in your eyes. Suffice it to say, I never found it.
My friends think you broke my heart but I’m starting to believe I broke yours. You tried to have faith in me but I was a false idol. I turned out to be a man after all. Stupid, stupid man.
I’m not sure you ever felt guilty about the way it all broke down – but if you did – don’t. None of this is your fault.
And so today … today I pray for you; for if the angels pay attention to such tiny little voices, you will learn to fly and you will have the light.
Love letter # 99
My friends think I’m mad – but really I’m just stripped. All the bullshit layers have been blasted away. All the smug, self satisfied, middle class, male posturing has been shown to be a lie. My so called strength – it was just the bravado of weakness.
There was a castle wall; it is now rubble. There was a front; it is now last year’s comedy.
When you looked at me like that, when you sighed that sigh, I was weak. I was free. I was pitched out of the aircraft.
Yes, I was out of control. I apologise – but I had never cared so much. Never been so irrational. So immediate. So alive.
When you were in the room I was all electric. All my control mechanisms failed. I was like the river – bound for the sea.
I know it seemed ridiculous – how do you think I felt? I don’t blame you for leaving – but God I wish you hadn’t.
I miss you tonight. The space where you would have been is filled with silence – so loud. Sometimes I am deafened by your absence.
A little voice inside me says I shouldn’t be writing this. But it helps to say it. Please forgive me. I only loved you.
And maybe that’s what this is all about. I know that beautiful words won’t get you back – even if I wish they would – but I refuse to yield to the standard issue bitterness. Your leaving is not a disqualifier. I love you because there is a beauty inside you – not just because I wish you were my girl.
My friends can say what they like. I know they mean well. But I will say only this: for you my love, almost anything.
Love letter # 2
I saw you today – and I know you saw me. Your eyes gave you away.
I saw your shoulders turn to rock. I felt the blade of your contempt. I did not hide from it.
If you want your measure of blood, let me tell you – this floor is scarlet. I am not too proud – and I know what a broken heart is. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone – and you were never just anyone.
I know you won’t believe it – but I wish you would. I wasn’t cruel I was just stupid. Hurt maybe – scars leftover. Sorry that I passed them onto you.
But please don’t re-write history. It was real. I loved you. I wanted you. It was wonderful. I wasn’t lying when I said you were my angel.
I remember the tenderness in your eyes – the softness in you. I pray it’s still there. Walk away with the beautiful bits – leave the shit behind.