Love letter # 99
My friends think I’m mad – but really I’m just stripped. All the bullshit layers have been blasted away. All the smug, self satisfied, middle class, male posturing has been shown to be a lie. My so called strength – it was just the bravado of weakness.
There was a castle wall; it is now rubble. There was a front; it is now last year’s comedy.
When you looked at me like that, when you sighed that sigh, I was weak. I was free. I was pitched out of the aircraft.
Yes, I was out of control. I apologise – but I had never cared so much. Never been so irrational. So immediate. So alive.
When you were in the room I was all electric. All my control mechanisms failed. I was like the river – bound for the sea.
I know it seemed ridiculous – how do you think I felt? I don’t blame you for leaving – but God I wish you hadn’t.
I miss you tonight. The space where you would have been is filled with silence – so loud. Sometimes I am deafened by your absence.
A little voice inside me says I shouldn’t be writing this. But it helps to say it. Please forgive me. I only loved you.
And maybe that’s what this is all about. I know that beautiful words won’t get you back – even if I wish they would – but I refuse to yield to the standard issue bitterness. Your leaving is not a disqualifier. I love you because there is a beauty inside you – not just because I wish you were my girl.
My friends can say what they like. I know they mean well. But I will say only this: for you my love, almost anything.