Love letter # 98
Okay, I confess – there are days when I wish I’d never opened the door to you. These are the days when I miss you so much I ache all over – the days when all the distractions do nothing to take my thoughts away. Days like today.
But mostly, I thank the stars that I once held you – that there were nights when we hid beneath the sheets. How lucky I was to kiss your beautiful mouth – to know your skin. These little treasures made me richer.
I am the like the lottery winner, the peasant who caught the eye of the queen. Your graces could have fallen upon much greater men but they came instead to me – and I have never been the same.
Even when I am riven, faint with blood loss, weak with hunger – even as I pray for oblivion … I remember how blessed I am to have known you so. And bittersweet days like these, when I so stupidly long for you? Why, these too are diamond hours.
Love letter # 4
Mostly it doesn’t matter but when it does … it does; and it’s then that I realise how much I miss you.
I pretend that everything is as it should be. I act the part of someone who has drawn a line. I have all the right language, all the appropriate behaviours – and everyone is fooled. Life goes on. Mark it down to experience. There are other fish.
But when the bandages come off the blood is still sweet, the bedroom still cold – and I wish that you were here with me.
Some days this tide lasts a minute, others an hour, but the knowing is always the same, the longing true. The fact that you live a short walk away, that your number is in my phone, that we have this undeniable brilliance whenever we are together …
I have given up asking why. Forensics won’t make it any better.
Anyway, I apologise for this fit of indulgence. I’m sure I could go on for ages; instead I will say only this: I offer you my love and all the honouring that goes with it. No bitterness. No recrimination. No cruel re-writing. And even though I miss you like oxygen I will never try to hold you in.
There is a breathtaking beauty at the heart of everything and you help me see it. Thank you.
Love letter # 110
Having endeavoured to maintain a modicum of sanity I must now confess to abject failure in this regard. I look back across the gulf that separates me from my old self and the mad river is you.
Naturally, there are blessings: the coldness that surrounded me, the dullness in my heart – they have been replaced by fire. If I was living beforehand, I am simply alive now.
However, I have cause to wonder who I am. What became of that reasonable man? Was this delirious demon always there; a hellcat in hiding?
Composure is just a mask waiting for a kiss to destroy it. Perhaps even sanity is simply what we accept in place of love. If I have bled at least it proved the existence of blood. This knife makes me real.
It would scarcely surprise you to know that I have been through anger – that I have sought refuge in the treehouse of spite. You will, I hope, be pleased to learn that I have abandoned such follies. I live now with invisible dancers, with those shimmering, magical beings who love without reason – who love simply because it is the best of all possible ways.
So to you, my friend, I give abundant thanks. If I wake up tomorrow in a beautiful place it will be because you trashed the maps. Indeed, this whole world is new because of you. Was there ever a greater gift?
Love letter # 24
For the times we had, I offer simple gratitude. I am profoundly grateful for the beautiful days and the satin nights. I give thanks for the times you called to tell me you loved me. I am blessed to have held you in my arms. It was my incredible fortune to kiss you.
I thank every star in heaven for the time we danced along the roadside. I am forever glad for the sexy text messages, grateful to have known your scent up close, honoured to have loved you.
But so too am I grateful for your diaphanous deceptions; for your flagrant disrespect. And for your countless lies and your obvious manipulations, I offer up thanks. I would not be here without your quite remarkable selfishness. It was not your kindness but your cruelty that set me free.
Now – every day – I sink to my knees in gratitude and the love I have for you falls like the cleansing rain, washing away my conceit. How lucky I was to have known you so.