Love letter # 99

My friends think I’m mad. Really, I’m just stripped. All the bullshit layers have been blasted away. All the smug, self satisfied, posturing has been shown to be a lie. My so called strength – it was just the bravado of weakness.

There was a castle wall; it is now rubble.

When you looked at me like that, when you sighed that sigh, I was weak. I was free. I was pitched out of the aircraft.

Yes, I was out of control. I apologise; yet I had never cared so much. Never been so irrational. So immediate. So alive.

When you were in the room I was all electric. My control mechanisms failed me. I was like the river, bound for the sea.

I know it seemed ridiculous – how do you think I felt?

I don’t blame you for leaving – but God I wish you hadn’t. Sometimes I am deafened by your absence.

A calm voice inside says that I shouldn’t be writing this. But it helps to say it. Please forgive me. I only loved you.

And maybe that’s what this is all about. I know that beautiful words won’t get you back – even if I wish they would – but I refuse to yield to the standard issue bitterness. Your leaving is not a disqualifier. I love you because there is a beauty inside you, not just because I wish you were my girl.

The friends can say what they like. I know they mean well. But I will say only this: for you my love, almost anything.

Including silence.