Love letter # 13
When I look back now I can see how I made it hard for you. I didn’t mean to; but still.
You were telling me all along but I was deaf to everything except what I wanted. You warned me and I acted like a child in reply.
I know you weren’t perfect. I know you cheated. I know you lied – often. I understand how you played me for a lovesick fool – which was exactly what I was. But even taking all that on board, I was the one who fucked it up.
I hoped against hope that you would change, that you would want me in a way you never said you would. It wasn’t just foolish, it was arrogant. No wonder you junked me.
For all my fine words I was trying to control you with my so-called love, to wear you down with sheer, bloody minded affection. Sometimes, the poets are the tyrants.
I can say now that I didn’t love you. I just desired you. Not merely in body, but in spirit. I thought that if I could get you to love me that the awful space inside me would close up. I was shopping for security in your eyes. Suffice it to say, I never found it.
My friends think you broke my heart but I’m starting to believe I broke yours. You tried to have faith in me but I was a false idol. I turned out to be a man after all. Stupid, stupid man.
I’m not sure you ever felt guilty about the way it all broke down – but if you did – don’t. None of this is your fault.
And so today … today I pray for you; for if the angels pay attention to such tiny little voices, you will learn to fly and you will have the light.
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