Love letter # 37
There is something altogether humbling about this. My various treasures are now trash, my victories hollow shouts. The smug assurance with which I swaggered through the world like some kind of deluded king is now a quiet shuffle – almost a hiding away.
All the well-meaning therapies have failed and ‘perspective’ has only shown me what I already knew. And now … the bandages are discarded, beyond disinfecting.
My desire has left me with bloodied knees, with cuts all over. A scorched earth stares out from the mirror. I’m sure you get the picture.
I have tried to be sane – to be friends – but I have failed. One of us is poison to the other. I’ll leave you to make your own determination on that.
I cannot judge you. I can only act for my own salvation. I cannot be in a room with you; it’s as simple as that. I know it’s absurd and I offer no defence but I have to ink this full stop right here.
I love you endlessly, recklessly … but I have to live. Please don’t seek any further explanation; the sound of your voice shakes my resolution to pieces. I am only calm in silence.
You are the most astonishing person I have known, the most dangerously beautiful. I have never felt so connected. Never been so sure. Until now.
Forgive me, gorgeous girl. My feet weren’t even clay in the end. So much for swaggering.