Love letter # 152

Time having passed, things are clearer. You were running – from ghosts, from anything that reminded you, and I was the dumb bind holding you back.

The more I loved you, the more you fought for what you took to be freedom. But now I understand – the freedom not to see is still freedom.

We are fools to judge others by our own private measure. If I took your evasiveness as a slight, that was my issue. Yours was just plain terror. You tried to hide it, but you wore it in your posture, drowned it in your drinking, scattered it on your faithless adventures.

On those nights, when I never knew where you were, when the phone rang out again and again – I sat home bleeding.

But that was self pity. I am ashamed of it now.

I tried to argue you into loving me, and in so doing I trampled over the love you were offering. I did not do this out of greed; I did it out of fear. I was the anchor too feeble to hold the ship in place – a simple change of tide was enough to wrest you away. I knew this all along.

Yet, none of this washes away your constant dishonesty – your capricious toying – but I wasn’t in love with that part of you. I loved the original beauty, the one the lies were designed to protect.

I am lucky to have seen that light in your eyes, to have heard sweet yielding in your sighs. I remember when you took my hand unbidden, when your head rested on my chest, when your kiss was like a tear – so impossibly soft. As long as I have memory, I shall have those treasures.

You should not think I am wallowing though. I am not. I have a new life now.

This is not my way of reeling you back in – it’s me saying: go, be free, run as far and as long as you like. If indeed you have enough energy to go forever, do so.

I will cheer you to the line…beautiful athlete.