Love letter # 152

Time having passed, things are clearer. You were running – from ghosts, from anything that reminded you – and I was the dumb bind holding you back. The more I loved you, the more you fought for what you took to be freedom. But now I understand – the freedom not to see is still freedom.

We are fools to judge others by our own private measure. If I took your evasiveness as a slight, that was my issue. Yours was just plain terror. You tried to hide it – but you wore it in your posture, drowned it in your drinking, scattered it on your faithless adventures.

On those nights when I never knew where you were – when the phone rang out again and again – I sat home bleeding. But that was self pity. I am ashamed of it now.

I tried to argue you into loving me and in so doing I trampled over the love you were offering. I did not do this out of greed; I did it out of fear. I was the anchor too feeble to hold the ship in place – a simple change of tide was enough to wrest you away – and I knew this all along.

Yet none of this washes away your constant dishonesty – your capricious toying – but I wasn’t in love with that part of you. I loved the original beauty – the very you that the lies were designed to protect.

I am lucky to have seen that light in your eyes, to have heard sweet yielding in your sighs. I remember when you took my hand unbidden, when your head rested on my chest, when your kiss was like a tear – so impossibly soft. As long as I have memory I shall have those treasures.

You should not think I am wallowing though. I am not. I have a new life now. This is not my way of reeling you back in – it’s me saying: go, be free, run as far and as long as you like. If indeed you have enough energy to go forever, do so – and I will cheer you to the line … beautiful athlete.

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