Love letter # 132

Sitting next to you tonight it hit me. You just tolerate it. That thing I took for your liking me was just you putting up with me. I saw it in your eyes. Please don’t look at me that way – that’s what they said.

For certain I am fool – but not stupid. You allow my touch without responding. You smile when I’m sweet. Maybe you just say yes because you can’t quite find a way to say no.

I feel ashamed. I never wanted this. I wanted you – it’s true – I still do.

I wish I found this out before I loved you. Now when I walk away I leave a little part of me behind. Hanging around your loveliness. Still deluded.

I hope you will forgive my outrageous feeling – my ill-advised flights of fancy. I only wanted to love you. Instead I’ve embarrassed you. Made everything ridiculous.

We wear the same masks as everyone else – we keep our burning quiet – but still those fires light up the night. Every rule in the book will not stop me aching for you. I am dissolved in your nearness – pretence unwound by the brush of your fingers. I feel like light when I’m around you.

Or rather, I did. Because now I have seen and the evidence is undeniable; and the only decent thing to do is disappear. No drama. No scenes. Just these words. My confession. You were right. I liked you too much.

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