Love letter # 589
There are many forms of blindness. I have endured a number of them; none more so than when I failed to see – failed to believe – the truth about you. The evidence was plentiful. In cold moments it was undeniable. But I was in a fog of fever.
In your defence, you did warn me. It’s just that I was…what?…not stupid, not merely stubborn…alight with a kind of madness. In hindsight, it was the measure of my desperation. Not so much for you but for what you represented. For I had located my dream of recognition in you. Foisted it on you really.
Yes, you could have acted with more grace, more kindness, but I accept that I left you with little choice but to push back hard. I was relentless. Even if you had loved me, my ridiculous ardour would have burned it up soon enough.
So now I am indebted to you. For holding out. I may well have stayed true to my vision, but so too you kept faith with yours. Ultimately, after the drama, I saw the wisdom of this. Moreover, I witnessed the extent of my own folly. It scared me. But it was also the beginning of real change in my life.
I barely recognise the raggedy beggar who stumbled after you. That’s how seismic our affair was. Your departure shifted everything. In some ways, it was the most important contribution anyone ever made to the trajectory of my life. When you left, I saw finally who I was. At first, I was appalled. After that, I just grew up.
I write today to thank you for saying no. For insisting on it. Best thing anybody ever said to me.